Dear Vegetarian,

I understand your desire to eat plants.  I enjoy munching on a few myself every now and again.  But I’m not going to date you. No way. I’ve seen you eat.

Working in a restaurant and serving you meals, I have had ample opportunity to discover that you are a weirdo.  You order $13 worth of mixed vegetables and veggie burger and eat one entirely before you eat the other.  You veggie burger is literally cold before you start to nosh on it.  You make no small talk; these vegetables are SERIOUS BUSINESS.  And then you ask me to see a movie…… hahahahaha. Let me tell you something about myself.

I eat meat. Lots of it.  I once spent three weeks on an Atkins diet where i would take handfuls of lunch meat and shovel them liberally into my mouth.  I eat bacon, which I am fairly certain is the worst meat there is and combine it with other meats I enjoy like beef and chicken.  I would enter in a hot dog eating contest if I ever knew where to register.  I drive by cows and I think “mmmmmm.”

Someone like you is obviously passionate about vegetables, and I am passionate about meat.  Let’s chalk it up to strangers passing in the night, shall we?

xo

HD,

you were so hot in high school.  i remember having a crush on you, but you were older and there were way sweeter, sluttier girls that were into you so i was ignored. and then we went to college together where there were again, way sweeter and skankier girls that you were into. no matter. i knew if i bided my time, i would have my chance.  and i did– when i moved back to our hometown for grad school. you had returned as well… to work at home depot.  this scared me for several reasons… one, we had the same major and i was paralyzed with fear that i would suffer the same terrifying career path. two, i was confused how such a ” cool guy ” : as yourself could fall so far, so fast.  but then it became clear — you were secretly gay all along.

i submit the following evidence as proof:

1) prior ot your employment at retail giant home depot, you were employed at POTTERYBARN.  what sort of man works at potterybarn? probably one that likes dick.
2) you initially attended an all-male high school. what straight teenage boy desires to attend an all-male high school? a teenager that loves dudes.
3) i’ve heard you still go on "all boys camping trips" each year, where you are known for your naked shenanigans… skinny dipping, running nude through the woods, etc.  All-Male event + nudity = gay orgy.
4) your college fraternity was reputed for its high acceptance of gay members.  I know how you got in…
5) you joined the all-male cheerleading team.  seriously?

in light of the fact you are gay, i just want to say i have no problem with you not wanting to date anymore. i’m pretty girly, so i guess i wasn’t your type.  hope you find the right guy for you.

ps.  i saw a photo of you and it looks like the balding is getting REALLY BAD. i’m sorry about that, really.  keep a hat on.

xo

ah sweet delicious yoga man. how i wish you were my ex boyfriend.  i would hate every second that i once loved you, but i can tell from your limber body that it would be worth it.

i just have one, fairly awkward question… where you checking out my vagina today?  i wasn’t sure, but i wondered… you seemed to be staring directly at my crotch as you approached me and i was arching in a rather suggestive, although purely yoga related pose.  if so, i think you might be the first person to ever do that.  most people just like, stare at my ass or most commonly just my face.

if so, thanks for the compliment!  downward dog!

xo

Hi there, Exaggerator. I wanted to drop you and note and find out what the hell you are saying to other people?!?!?!?! We met for coffee ONCE, and you were twenty minutes late. I had already almost finished my beverage, which i purchased using my own pocketbook. Granted we did sit for an hour and chat, but at no time did we make any sort of physical contact. And this interaction occurred at 11 am. I think claiming that we dated and it “didn’t work out” is a bit of an stretch of the imagination. But I’m flattered that you want other people to think we “dated,” since you were both the one interested in going out a second time, and then also the one that decided that you didn’t want to go out a second time.

Is your divorce final yet?

xo

Dear Hipster Nerd,

I’m STILL sorry that i said i would go to homecoming with you senior year. Even as the words left my mouth, i knew it was a lie, that i would rather writhe in a fiery pit of despair that attend a public function on your arm. You were weird and unattractive in high school. I gather from mutual acquaintances that you still are; in fact, they content you are still a virgin. I hope you aren’t waiting for me to change my mind about that date.

I heard that you still think of me with a lot of bitterness, which i sort of understand. But then again… i DID call you to tell you that i changed my mind about spending any time whatsoever with you rather than merely passing you a note breaking the date. i could have been really horrible and just accepted another invitation and let you hear about it through the rumor mill.

The fact is, i would have been mean to you, avoided you, and potentially cried during the entire evening. after you asked me out, I DID cry until my mom said, “how bad could he be?” and i provided her with the yearbook photo. she said i should call and break the date immediately.

So, be pissed at my mom. And get laid already.

xo

1) All the cute little things you thought were endearing soon become the very things you will mock relentlessly (slight lisp, weird hobbies, distinct style of dress…)

2) You will never get all your stuff back.  Its NEVER worth it to call for the old MC Hammer tshirt back. Yes, even if you went to the concert.

3) As it turns out, a deep and abiding appreciation for Radiohead does not make you soulmates. In fact, taste in music I am fairly positive has no long-term bearing on compatibility. You have your OWN ipod, right? And everyone likes Radiohead, its like choosing a partner based on the fact you both like pizza.

4) You should delete them from your phone.  In a world of drunk dialing and text messaging, its just too tempting.

5)  No, you can’t be friends! It GETS WEIRD, everytime… sooner or later.  Friends is a euphemism and a way to draw out the break up.  If you have boned down, you ain’t friends anymore.

Dear Mr. Manorexic,

Enclosed you will find your stuff (three tshirts, a pair of shorts, and a gift certificate to buy a new bedding to replace your humiliating Homer Simpson bedspread.) You will find it is in good order, so as to avoid any need for future correspondence and contact.

It is regretful that we are unable to be amicable in this split. Unfortunately, you are too self absorbed for me to bother considering your feelings on the matter (in fact, you are borderline narcissistic personality disorder, so its quite possible that you do not HAVE any feelings on the subject.)

You are 34 years old…. its not normal that you can’t maintain a relationship. I’m not going out on a limb with this assertion, as I’m sure a team of psychoanalysts or middle school students would agree. Exercising upwards of twenty hours a week when you are not training for the Olympics or a marathon is…. excessive, especially when it includes such non-sports as Ultimate Frisbee. Its lame when women complain about their body fat percentage; when you do it, its flat out embarrassing.

Please stop flirting with your students on social networking sites. That’s illegal, in all fifty states.

Perhaps its your lack of nutrition that makes you behave so strangely. But frankly, I don’t care about the reason. I’m so glad you are out of my life. I hope i never see you again… or, if i do, its on the news when you are busted for child molestation or starving yourself to death.

xo

Greetings! Just wanted to say hello since my ten year class reunion just passed, and it reminded me about how you ruined my high school graduation by sleeping with that fat girl from my class at the senior grad party in the woods the night before baccalaureate. You and her were both really stupid and thought I wouldn’t find out, but i did and i still hate you both. are you still working at a bike shop? are you still stealing parts?

My dad said you stopped by my house on Christmas day a few years back while i was in the shower to “say hey!” which is really inappropriate, since I never want to see you again, much less on a day when I am generally in a good mood and surrounded by people i like. And my mom said you called when I competed in the Miss State pageant after you saw me in the parade. Just thinking about you watching me from a crowd makes my skin crawl a little, like it did before we went to prom. are you stalking me? it sure feels like it… thank god i moved to a different state and have an unlisted number. I don’t even put my name on the front door because of psychos like you.

You still dirt bike racing? Is it still really lame?

Thanks for making it really easy to go to college without a boyfriend!

xo

Dear RCT,

Somehow your story has stayed with me, through the over ten years of dating I have engaged in since we met. Do you even know the story behind our brief and unsatisfactory courtship?

I had a huge crush on this guy from my physics class. He, of course, had a huge crush on your friend Lana with her giant, Eastern European breasts. But he couldn’t get a date with her unless she had a russian guy along for the date. So, there we were….except my friend your friend cancelled last minute and we were stuck alone on an awkward date. I was rather turned off by your euro sweater and cigarette smoking; you were enamored with my goody-two shoes reputation that you couldn’t wait to exploit. It was a disaster waiting to happen. I loved how you didn’t have your drivers license so your friend Vadim drove and then we got pulled over by the cops, they towed away the car since there was no registration and then waiting in a Taco Bell for two hours for a cab. Even the cop that pulled us over thought it was strange that i was with you and your foreign comrades.

Did you know that i nicknamed you the Russian Communist Troll? Its because you looked like a good luck troll, with the crazy hair and the squinty eyes. And your english was terrible, resulting in you never pronouncing my name correctly. That you were an artist was somewhat intriguing to me, until I found out that you painted a portrait of me… topless. I still remember staring at the chest on this masterpiece, feeling that my boobs weren’t too big, too small… just they weren’t mine. Since you never saw me without a shirt, I figured you superimposed someone else’s knockers on me–it was an uncomfortable feeling.

Breaking up with you was difficult… i’m not sure if it was because you were purposely pretending to not understand that I wasn’t interested in you anymore, or if you genuinely were struggling with the language barrier. Regardless, I think were were on different paths. Mine was to college; yours was likely deportation out of the country due to dealing drugs.

Thanks for teaching me vulgar sayings in russian.

xo

Dear DILF,

hey, its been a while since i erased your phone number out of my cell phone. but i happened to be ordering a breakfast burrito over the weekend. it wasn’t so much at a restaurant as… a stand. you know, the kind of place that falls between the definition of “taco trailer” and actual restaurant. we sat on lawn chairs to eat…. i digress. i wanted to congratulate you on your acting, because there was a POSTER OF YOUR FACE posted on the side of the stand. it was a small poster, advertising that fairly boring play i saw you in oh…. a year ago. apparently the stand is lax about their decor.

anyways, its been a while. did you stay separated from that raw foodist that left you for a fat actor in malibu, or did he eventually kick her skinny ass out? i’m pretty sure you did based on photos i saw on facebook, but maybe you found another yoga obsessed anorexic that just looks like the old one. i never got to tell you that i’m pretty sure i saw your son outside my work throwing rocks at buses as they drove by. he’s got great aim, is he on the baseball team?

i’m sorry things didn’t work out for us….i feel like i never got to really explain since you went to mexico without really telling me when you were leaving OR when you were returning, but i was kind of creeped out when you showed up with a guitar at my house…sweaty. i can’t imagine why your band didn’t work out, though i am pretty sure it wasn’t the “knucklehead drummer.” and i wasn’t really into all the talking you did mid-kissing, you know, describing your inner dialogue out loud. for whatever reason, i found it distracting and weird.

anyways, hope to see you in the neighborhood soon! we should catch up.

xo

I see you DILF!