Letter to My Exes » Wisdom

Freak of the Week

letterstomyexes — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 16:42:45 +0000

Sometimes, our internet wanderings bring us upon special people. I have not dated this gem, but i’m fairly certain that if i HAD, he would be an Ex. Because if you look up crazy on wikipedia, it redirects to this guy’s website.

http://www.findingmygoddess.com/

(anyone else think he looks like George Bluth, Sr.?)

Dear Readers

letterstomyexes — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 16:28:58 +0000

in an attempt to be more “mature” in my approach to dating, i have recently joined an online dating site. the idea is that i will find men tot date that are more willing to be in a committed, forward moving relationship. i know, its disgusting. i felt morally bankrupt as i did it… it reminded me of when i felt guilty going to a tanning salon because i have mental association between tanning beds and strip clubs. it feels really sad to me to have these people sending me emails sort of begging for a date, and my assessment is “eh, he eats too healthy for me….”

like, this one guy has listed in his profile that he is a black belt in karate…i don’t care. is he telling me because he’s gonna kick my ass? is he telling me because he wants someone that cares? if so, i best steer clear.

this online dating is clearly going to only result on more letterstomyexes.

Pre-Ex Screening Questionnaire – special thanks to Ms. Phetasy

letterstomyexes — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 21:08:12 +0000

Want to be the next featured ex on letterstomyexes.com ? Answer the following questionnaire for consideration!

Do you have a girlfriend?
Are you currently sleeping with any females you consider to be friends?
Do you have a wife?
Do you have any children/ baby mamas?
Is anyone stalking you that may show up at my doorstep or call me?
Are you involved in any pending legal investigation?
Are you a registered sex offender…
a) Has anything in regards to your sexual conduct been placed in your permanent file
b) are you an unregistered sex offender?
Do you have a job? (having a business card is not proof of employment.)
How involved is your mother in your day to day life?
What is the pattern on your bedspread?
Do you have a problem tipping 18 percent? (deal breaker!)
Do you sleep with ear plugs?
How big is your man meat ?
Do you have a prince albert? would you be willing to part with it?
Are you available to date between 10 am and 2 pm Monday through Friday?

TOP 5 WAYS YOU KNOW ITS OVER

letterstomyexes — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 19:55:44 +0000

1) A member of your family dies and all you can think about is, “I hope he doesn’t want to come to the funeral with me.”

2) He changes his facebook status to seeking “random play.”

3) You find yourself making odd excuses for not wanting to get together like, “I really want to watch this E! True Story: Ryan Seacrest” or “I have to go to Costco today.”

4) The text messages you once exchanged so rapidly are now “putting him over his PLAN” or “getting him in trouble at work” or “interrupting him during Monday Night Football.”

5) His girlfriend gets back in town.

TOP 5 THINGS YOU REALIZE AFTER A BREAK-UP

letterstomyexes — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 16:11:42 +0000

1) All the cute little things you thought were endearing soon become the very things you will mock relentlessly (slight lisp, weird hobbies, distinct style of dress…)

2) You will never get all your stuff back. Its NEVER worth it to call for the old MC Hammer tshirt back. Yes, even if you went to the concert.

3) As it turns out, a deep and abiding appreciation for Radiohead does not make you soulmates. In fact, taste in music I am fairly positive has no long-term bearing on compatibility. You have your OWN ipod, right? And everyone likes Radiohead, its like choosing a partner based on the fact you both like pizza.

4) You should delete them from your phone. In a world of drunk dialing and text messaging, its just too tempting.

5) No, you can’t be friends! It GETS WEIRD, everytime… sooner or later. Friends is a euphemism and a way to draw out the break up. If you have boned down, you ain’t friends anymore.