i wish i never met you…. and you are the only person i have ever said that about.  dating you wasn’t even good for a laugh afterwards.

Dear Hamburglar,

We could probably write an entire letter discussing why you are named as such… basically, your man meat is more the hamburger than hot dog variety.  But the real reason for this letter is to tell you that you have to move.

See, you live on the same street as this new, yet to become an ex guy.  Frankly, I can’t risk the chance of running into you.  You are always so confrontational.  You never take a hint. I left the country, returned and didn’t call you.  That’s a clear sign.  If you have to come to my work to corner me for a conversation, it probably means i don’t want to talk to you…. actually, I will just confirm that I don’t want to talk to you anymore.

Everyone always asks me when they meet you if you are drunk.  Its annoying to explain that you are just slightly retarded.

Let me know when you are in a new place so I can resume pursuit of my new, sober, educated, and handsome prospect.

xo

dear spanky,

i was always too good for you. you had a hairy back and substandard dental care growing up.  and my grandma hated you…for no reason, but still… perhaps she had some intuiton.

thanks for the cats.  god knows why i would be possessed to have partnership in owning cats with you, but i did.  and you almost ruined them after we broke up by overfeeding them until they looked like obese furry basketballs.  thank god you came to your senses and handed them over.

xo