Dear “Guy with Stomach Flu,”

i think you are an asshole… i am at a loss as to why you would arrange for luxury box seats at the Staples Center and then just give me the tickets so you wouldn’t have to go on our date, especially since i got us backstage passes.  but its hard to ignore that you decided to NEVER EVER CALL ME AGAIN after about a month of talking, flirting, DATING… claiming to be puking your guts out. the fact is, you probably dumped me because i wouldn’t sleep with you… which is HILARIOUS since i didn’t sleep with you precisely because i thought you might disappear. in retrospect, i really hope you were barfing, though i think you are more likely a liar than a man with a weak stomach.

but what REALLY is confusing is why you decided to friend request me and text message me five months later? did you think i forgot?  guess what… I DIDN’T.

me
xoxox

p.s.  for as rich as you are, you really should fix your front teeth.  money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy a decent smile.