Dear Weirdo,

So, I gave you my phone number because I wanted you to call me to go on A DATE. I figured the redeeming quality of going on humiliating internet dates was that i might get a free meal out of the awkward silence.  But no, YOU SENT ME A FUCKING TEXT MESSAGE. Actually, you sent me THREE. And the last one was like “um, are we still going to go out?”

Here is the scoop; you don’t meet and get to know a person VIA TEXT MESSAGE.  I actually wanted to pre-screen you prior to going out into public with you in the event that you were obnoxious and embarrassing.  If i had wanted to continue WRITING YOU, I could have continued to send you internet dating site messages.  A phone number is for CALLING, not texting.

And that is why you are single, weirdo.

xo