Oh Attractive Scottish Boy. You were smokin’….

You are the first guy I have ever met in a hot tub.  I thought dreams like that only came true on craiglist casual encounters, but there you were with your substantially uglier friend.   And I enjoyed when my drunk roommate whined “why do i get the ugly one?” when we eventually paired off.

So hot. SO EFFEN HOT you were! And so terrible at kissing! THE WORST.  It was like kissing someone that had never done it before, or that had learned to kiss from a St. Bernard.  Being touched by you was like getting frisked at a police station…. cold, frantic, and yet amazingly BORING.  I have never been so immediately turned on and then turned OFF based on technique. Hearing noises from the room next door, I actually wondered if going with the ugly one might have been a better deal in all.

Here’s a pointer: you may get a lot of play cuz you are cute as hell, but you need a decent girlfriend to teach you a thing or two or EVERYTHING.  I don’t know how you guys do it over in Scotland, but in American, women like to enjoy their sexual encounters.

The Unsatisfied American.

Hey yoga man. I haven’t been to your class in a while.  There are several reasons, but the main one is we hooked up and it wasn’t very good. Also, its weird that you come into my work with your girlfriend. There are several thousand restaurants that you could dine at and i find it strange you deem it necessary to eat at mine, holding hands and fawning over that underage chain smoker. I think you have issues with women.

Sorry to break up with you and your class this way.

Love,

the girl you leave shitty tips for.

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1. Do you have a girlfriend?
2. Are you currently sleeping with any females you consider to be friends?
3. Do you have a wife?
4. Do you have any children/ baby mamas?
5. Is anyone stalking you that may show up at my doorstep or call me?
6. Are you involved in any pending legal investigation?
7. Are you a registered sex offender…
   a) Has anything in regards to your sexual conduct been placed in your permanent file
   b) are you an unregistered sex offender?
8. Do you have a job? (having a business card is not proof of employment.)
9. How involved is your mother in your day to day life?
10. What is the pattern on your bedspread?
11. Do you have a problem tipping 18 percent? (deal breaker!)
12. Do you sleep with ear plugs?
13. How big is your man meat ?
14. Do you have a prince albert? would you be willing to part with it?
15. Are you available to date between 10 am and 2 pm Monday through Friday?