Dear Vegetarian,

I understand your desire to eat plants.  I enjoy munching on a few myself every now and again.  But I’m not going to date you. No way. I’ve seen you eat.

Working in a restaurant and serving you meals, I have had ample opportunity to discover that you are a weirdo.  You order $13 worth of mixed vegetables and veggie burger and eat one entirely before you eat the other.  You veggie burger is literally cold before you start to nosh on it.  You make no small talk; these vegetables are SERIOUS BUSINESS.  And then you ask me to see a movie…… hahahahaha. Let me tell you something about myself.

I eat meat. Lots of it.  I once spent three weeks on an Atkins diet where i would take handfuls of lunch meat and shovel them liberally into my mouth.  I eat bacon, which I am fairly certain is the worst meat there is and combine it with other meats I enjoy like beef and chicken.  I would enter in a hot dog eating contest if I ever knew where to register.  I drive by cows and I think “mmmmmm.”

Someone like you is obviously passionate about vegetables, and I am passionate about meat.  Let’s chalk it up to strangers passing in the night, shall we?

xo