HD,

you were so hot in high school.  i remember having a crush on you, but you were older and there were way sweeter, sluttier girls that were into you so i was ignored. and then we went to college together where there were again, way sweeter and skankier girls that you were into. no matter. i knew if i bided my time, i would have my chance.  and i did– when i moved back to our hometown for grad school. you had returned as well… to work at home depot.  this scared me for several reasons… one, we had the same major and i was paralyzed with fear that i would suffer the same terrifying career path. two, i was confused how such a ” cool guy ” : as yourself could fall so far, so fast.  but then it became clear — you were secretly gay all along.

i submit the following evidence as proof:

1) prior ot your employment at retail giant home depot, you were employed at POTTERYBARN.  what sort of man works at potterybarn? probably one that likes dick.
2) you initially attended an all-male high school. what straight teenage boy desires to attend an all-male high school? a teenager that loves dudes.
3) i’ve heard you still go on "all boys camping trips" each year, where you are known for your naked shenanigans… skinny dipping, running nude through the woods, etc.  All-Male event + nudity = gay orgy.
4) your college fraternity was reputed for its high acceptance of gay members.  I know how you got in…
5) you joined the all-male cheerleading team.  seriously?

in light of the fact you are gay, i just want to say i have no problem with you not wanting to date anymore. i’m pretty girly, so i guess i wasn’t your type.  hope you find the right guy for you.

ps.  i saw a photo of you and it looks like the balding is getting REALLY BAD. i’m sorry about that, really.  keep a hat on.

xo