Dear RCT,

Somehow your story has stayed with me, through the over ten years of dating I have engaged in since we met. Do you even know the story behind our brief and unsatisfactory courtship?

I had a huge crush on this guy from my physics class. He, of course, had a huge crush on your friend Lana with her giant, Eastern European breasts. But he couldn’t get a date with her unless she had a russian guy along for the date. So, there we were….except my friend your friend cancelled last minute and we were stuck alone on an awkward date. I was rather turned off by your euro sweater and cigarette smoking; you were enamored with my goody-two shoes reputation that you couldn’t wait to exploit. It was a disaster waiting to happen. I loved how you didn’t have your drivers license so your friend Vadim drove and then we got pulled over by the cops, they towed away the car since there was no registration and then waiting in a Taco Bell for two hours for a cab. Even the cop that pulled us over thought it was strange that i was with you and your foreign comrades.

Did you know that i nicknamed you the Russian Communist Troll? Its because you looked like a good luck troll, with the crazy hair and the squinty eyes. And your english was terrible, resulting in you never pronouncing my name correctly. That you were an artist was somewhat intriguing to me, until I found out that you painted a portrait of me… topless. I still remember staring at the chest on this masterpiece, feeling that my boobs weren’t too big, too small… just they weren’t mine. Since you never saw me without a shirt, I figured you superimposed someone else’s knockers on me–it was an uncomfortable feeling.

Breaking up with you was difficult… i’m not sure if it was because you were purposely pretending to not understand that I wasn’t interested in you anymore, or if you genuinely were struggling with the language barrier. Regardless, I think were were on different paths. Mine was to college; yours was likely deportation out of the country due to dealing drugs.

Thanks for teaching me vulgar sayings in russian.

xo