Dear Mr. Manorexic,

Enclosed you will find your stuff (three tshirts, a pair of shorts, and a gift certificate to buy a new bedding to replace your humiliating Homer Simpson bedspread.) You will find it is in good order, so as to avoid any need for future correspondence and contact.

It is regretful that we are unable to be amicable in this split. Unfortunately, you are too self absorbed for me to bother considering your feelings on the matter (in fact, you are borderline narcissistic personality disorder, so its quite possible that you do not HAVE any feelings on the subject.)

You are 34 years old…. its not normal that you can’t maintain a relationship. I’m not going out on a limb with this assertion, as I’m sure a team of psychoanalysts or middle school students would agree. Exercising upwards of twenty hours a week when you are not training for the Olympics or a marathon is…. excessive, especially when it includes such non-sports as Ultimate Frisbee. Its lame when women complain about their body fat percentage; when you do it, its flat out embarrassing.

Please stop flirting with your students on social networking sites. That’s illegal, in all fifty states.

Perhaps its your lack of nutrition that makes you behave so strangely. But frankly, I don’t care about the reason. I’m so glad you are out of my life. I hope i never see you again… or, if i do, its on the news when you are busted for child molestation or starving yourself to death.

xo