Dear Hipster Nerd,

I’m STILL sorry that i said i would go to homecoming with you senior year. Even as the words left my mouth, i knew it was a lie, that i would rather writhe in a fiery pit of despair that attend a public function on your arm. You were weird and unattractive in high school. I gather from mutual acquaintances that you still are; in fact, they content you are still a virgin. I hope you aren’t waiting for me to change my mind about that date.

I heard that you still think of me with a lot of bitterness, which i sort of understand. But then again… i DID call you to tell you that i changed my mind about spending any time whatsoever with you rather than merely passing you a note breaking the date. i could have been really horrible and just accepted another invitation and let you hear about it through the rumor mill.

The fact is, i would have been mean to you, avoided you, and potentially cried during the entire evening. after you asked me out, I DID cry until my mom said, “how bad could he be?” and i provided her with the yearbook photo. she said i should call and break the date immediately.

So, be pissed at my mom. And get laid already.

xo