i wish i never met you…. and you are the only person i have ever said that about.  dating you wasn’t even good for a laugh afterwards.

so, #lettertomyex is a trending term on twitter. you can follow me and get tweets when i post my new letters.  just add letterstomyexes

me
xo

Dear “Guy with Stomach Flu,”

i think you are an asshole… i am at a loss as to why you would arrange for luxury box seats at the Staples Center and then just give me the tickets so you wouldn’t have to go on our date, especially since i got us backstage passes.  but its hard to ignore that you decided to NEVER EVER CALL ME AGAIN after about a month of talking, flirting, DATING… claiming to be puking your guts out. the fact is, you probably dumped me because i wouldn’t sleep with you… which is HILARIOUS since i didn’t sleep with you precisely because i thought you might disappear. in retrospect, i really hope you were barfing, though i think you are more likely a liar than a man with a weak stomach.

but what REALLY is confusing is why you decided to friend request me and text message me five months later? did you think i forgot?  guess what… I DIDN’T.

me
xoxox

p.s.  for as rich as you are, you really should fix your front teeth.  money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy a decent smile.

Sometimes, our internet wanderings bring us upon special people. I have not dated this gem, but i’m fairly certain that if i HAD, he would be an Ex. Because if you look up crazy on wikipedia, it redirects to this guy’s website.

http://www.findingmygoddess.com/

(anyone else think he looks like George Bluth, Sr.?)

in an attempt to be more “mature” in my approach to dating, i have recently joined an online dating site. the idea is that i will find men tot date that are more willing to be in a committed, forward moving relationship.  i know, its disgusting.  i felt morally bankrupt as i did it… it reminded me of when i felt guilty going to a tanning salon because i have mental association between tanning beds and strip clubs.  it feels really sad to me to have these people sending me emails sort of begging for a date, and my assessment is “eh, he eats too healthy for me….”

like, this one guy has listed in his profile that he is a black belt in karate…i don’t care. is he telling me because he’s gonna kick my ass? is he telling me because he wants someone that cares? if so, i best steer clear.

this online dating is clearly going to only result on more letterstomyexes.

xo

(note: this is technically several different exes, but since they all engage in the same asshole behavior, i will address them as one collective entity).

Dear FF,

I wanted to drop you a note to let you in on a little technological advancement to help you with your use of social networking sites. HIDE THE FUCKING SHADY SHIT FROM ME. use a limited profile for me so i don’t have to be seeing all the flirty notes you keep writing to hippies from your vacation, or see the beer bongs you did with your “ex girlfriend” on new years… or the other twenty thousand tagged photos of you and other ladies in various stages of courtship/love/drunken sex. i really don’t need the status update that after sleeping with me, you went from “its complicated” to “in a relationship” with a coked out 20 year old model.

you are by definition AN ASSHOLE because frankly, you are CHOOSING to show me this shit, and thus DELIBERATELY hurting my feelings.  its really lame. i won’t be creating a “fan page” for you based on this behavior.

unfriend me if you are going to be so cruel.

love,
the girl that didn’t know it was over yet (until she met your new gf online)

Oh Attractive Scottish Boy. You were smokin’….

You are the first guy I have ever met in a hot tub.  I thought dreams like that only came true on craiglist casual encounters, but there you were with your substantially uglier friend.   And I enjoyed when my drunk roommate whined “why do i get the ugly one?” when we eventually paired off.

So hot. SO EFFEN HOT you were! And so terrible at kissing! THE WORST.  It was like kissing someone that had never done it before, or that had learned to kiss from a St. Bernard.  Being touched by you was like getting frisked at a police station…. cold, frantic, and yet amazingly BORING.  I have never been so immediately turned on and then turned OFF based on technique. Hearing noises from the room next door, I actually wondered if going with the ugly one might have been a better deal in all.

Here’s a pointer: you may get a lot of play cuz you are cute as hell, but you need a decent girlfriend to teach you a thing or two or EVERYTHING.  I don’t know how you guys do it over in Scotland, but in American, women like to enjoy their sexual encounters.

The Unsatisfied American.

Hey yoga man. I haven’t been to your class in a while.  There are several reasons, but the main one is we hooked up and it wasn’t very good. Also, its weird that you come into my work with your girlfriend. There are several thousand restaurants that you could dine at and i find it strange you deem it necessary to eat at mine, holding hands and fawning over that underage chain smoker. I think you have issues with women.

Sorry to break up with you and your class this way.

Love,

the girl you leave shitty tips for.

Want to be the next featured ex on letterstomyexes.com ? Answer the following questionnaire for consideration!

1. Do you have a girlfriend?
2. Are you currently sleeping with any females you consider to be friends?
3. Do you have a wife?
4. Do you have any children/ baby mamas?
5. Is anyone stalking you that may show up at my doorstep or call me?
6. Are you involved in any pending legal investigation?
7. Are you a registered sex offender…
   a) Has anything in regards to your sexual conduct been placed in your permanent file
   b) are you an unregistered sex offender?
8. Do you have a job? (having a business card is not proof of employment.)
9. How involved is your mother in your day to day life?
10. What is the pattern on your bedspread?
11. Do you have a problem tipping 18 percent? (deal breaker!)
12. Do you sleep with ear plugs?
13. How big is your man meat ?
14. Do you have a prince albert? would you be willing to part with it?
15. Are you available to date between 10 am and 2 pm Monday through Friday?