Feb 14, 2013 - Wisdom    No Comments


1) A member of your family dies and all you can think about is, “I hope he doesn’t want to come to the funeral with me.”

2) He changes his facebook status to seeking “random play.”

3) You find yourself making odd excuses for not wanting to get together like, “I really want to watch this E! True Story: Ryan Seacrest” or “I have to go to Costco today.”

4) The text messages you once exchanged so rapidly are now “putting him over his PLAN” or “getting him in trouble at work” or “interrupting him during Monday Night Football.”

5) His girlfriend gets back in town.

Feb 12, 2013 - Dating Down    No Comments


dear spanky,

i was always too good for you. you had a hairy back and substandard dental care growing up.  and my grandma hated you…for no reason, but still… perhaps she had some intuiton.

thanks for the cats.  god knows why i would be possessed to have partnership in owning cats with you, but i did.  and you almost ruined them after we broke up by overfeeding them until they looked like obese furry basketballs.  thank god you came to your senses and handed them over.


Feb 8, 2013 - Asshole, Heartbreakers    No Comments

Facebook Fuckers

(note: this is technically several different exes, but since they all engage in the same asshole behavior, i will address them as one collective entity).

Dear FF,

I wanted to drop you a note to let you in on a little technological advancement to help you with your use of social networking sites. HIDE THE FUCKING SHADY SHIT FROM ME. use a limited profile for me so i don’t have to be seeing all the flirty notes you keep writing to hippies from your vacation, or see the beer bongs you did with your “ex girlfriend” on new years… or the other twenty thousand tagged photos of you and other ladies in various stages of courtship/love/drunken sex. i really don’t need the status update that after sleeping with me, you went from “its complicated” to “in a relationship” with a coked out 20 year old model.

you are by definition AN ASSHOLE because frankly, you are CHOOSING to show me this shit, and thus DELIBERATELY hurting my feelings.  its really lame. i won’t be creating a “fan page” for you based on this behavior.

unfriend me if you are going to be so cruel.

the girl that didn’t know it was over yet (until she met your new gf online)

Feb 6, 2013 - Weirdo    No Comments

The Internet Date


Dear Weirdo,

So, I gave you my phone number because I wanted you to call me to go on A DATE. I figured the redeeming quality of going on humiliating internet dates was that i might get a free meal out of the awkward silence.  But no, YOU SENT ME A FUCKING TEXT MESSAGE. Actually, you sent me THREE. And the last one was like “um, are we still going to go out?”

Here is the scoop; you don’t meet and get to know a person VIA TEXT MESSAGE.  I actually wanted to pre-screen you prior to going out into public with you in the event that you were obnoxious and embarrassing.  If i had wanted to continue WRITING YOU, I could have continued to send you internet dating site messages.  A phone number is for CALLING, not texting.

And that is why you are single, weirdo.


Feb 3, 2013 - Weirdo    No Comments

Freak ‘O the Week

Sometimes, our internet wanderings bring us upon special people. I have not dated this gem, but i’m fairly certain that if i HAD, he would be an Ex. Because if you look up crazy on wikipedia, it redirects to this guy’s website.


(anyone else think he looks like George Bluth, Sr.?)

Jan 31, 2013 - Asshole    No Comments

The Phantom Barfer

Dear “Guy with Stomach Flu,”

i think you are an asshole… i am at a loss as to why you would arrange for luxury box seats at the Staples Center and then just give me the tickets so you wouldn’t have to go on our date, especially since i got us backstage passes.  but its hard to ignore that you decided to NEVER EVER CALL ME AGAIN after about a month of talking, flirting, DATING… claiming to be puking your guts out. the fact is, you probably dumped me because i wouldn’t sleep with you… which is HILARIOUS since i didn’t sleep with you precisely because i thought you might disappear. in retrospect, i really hope you were barfing, though i think you are more likely a liar than a man with a weak stomach.

but what REALLY is confusing is why you decided to friend request me and text message me five months later? did you think i forgot?  guess what… I DIDN’T.


P.S.  For as loaded as you are, you really should fix your front teeth.  Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy a decent smile.